I did then what I knew how to do. Now that I know better, I do better.
Maya Angelou, Author and Poet
For some, the phrase inner child might feel strange, “woo-woo,” or even like psychobabble. Still, it points to something very real that many people experience, whether they use that language or not, and it is a concept many mental health professionals recognize and work with to support healing.
Your inner child is a core part of who you are. Understanding your inner child helps offer clues to these questions:
- Who am I beneath my habits, defenses, and fears?
- Why do certain patterns keep repeating, even when I know they aren’t helpful?
- How can I gently heal the fears, habits, and patterns that keep repeating, so they no longer run my life?
Who Is Your Inner Child? (If This Language Is New to You)
If the idea of an “inner child” doesn’t quite resonate, you don’t need to adopt the term for this to be useful. You can think of it more simply as the younger part of you that learned, early on, how to adapt, cope, or stay safe. Your inner child is the version of you who learned how to survive the best way it could back then.
For example, a child who grew up with an emotionally unpredictable or unavailable parent may have learned to stay quiet, be “easy,” or anticipate others’ needs to avoid conflict or rejection. In a different environment, another child may have learned that love or attention came most often by how well they did, leading them to develop strong self-discipline or high standards early on.
Both strategies were intelligent adaptations that reduced risk and increased safety.
However, later in adulthood, those same strategies can show up as people-pleasing, difficulty setting boundaries, chronic self-criticism, or burnout. What once protected you in childhood can become a habit in adulthood that no longer serves you.
Inner child work is not about blaming the past or dwelling in it. It is about recognizing that some early survival strategies may still be running quietly in the background and meeting them with steadiness and care, rather than pressure or judgment.
How I First Encountered This Idea
I first heard about the idea of the inner child at the Summit of Greatness three years ago. Lewis Howes shared a story about his first date with his wife, Martha Higareda.
On one of their early dates, he noticed that her phone screen shared something in common with his. They both had photos of their younger selves as their background. In that moment, they recognized they were both doing deep, meaningful work to acknowledge and heal their inner children.
At the time, I didn’t fully grasp what that work would look like for me. I simply recognized a quiet truth in it. One that stayed with me and unfolded gradually, through practice rather than theory.
Why It Matters: A Real-World Example
Viola Davis and Her Eight-Year-Old Self
In her memoir Finding Me, Viola Davis reflects on a defining experience from around age eight, when she was chased and bullied after school. What stayed with her was not only fear, but a deeper wound: what her eight-year-old self came to believe the bullying meant — that she was ugly and didn’t belong.
Years later, even as an acclaimed actress recognized for both her talent and her beauty, echoes of that early belief still surfaced at times. Awards, praise, and public recognition did not fully land, because deep down she still felt like the eight-year-old shaped by those early messages.
Davis has spoken about this awareness emerging through therapy, though the specific process matters less than the insight itself: early emotional wounds do not disappear simply because life becomes successful. They soften only when they are finally seen and met with care.
Understanding the inner child is an important first step. But understanding alone does not create healing.
Healing happens when we recognize that the inner child still lives within us and actively offer it the compassion, protection, and nurturing it needs.
The practices that follow are simple, meaningful, and powerful. Each one is a way of becoming the steady, supportive adult your younger self needed then — and still needs now.
3 Effective Ways to Heal the Wounded Inner Child
1. Acknowledge Your Accomplishments, Big and Small (Win Stacking)
Every morning, I begin a list of wins, writing down one thing from the evening before or that same morning (big or small) that I accomplished. Then, throughout the day, I add to the list as I complete tasks.
By doing this, I take note and am mindful that:
- I start things and finish them
- Effort leads to completion
- Care leads to stability
- I can rely on myself
This practice represents something even more important. I am becoming the nurturing older version of myself, speaking to the younger me. When I acknowledge a win, I am telling my inner child:
- I see you persevering.
- I see you learning and growing.
- I see your wisdom.
- I see your courage.
In addition, instead of telling my inner child “now do more, because you’re not good enough yet,” I actually tell him:
I see your perseverance. I see you showing up. I’m here with you. We got this!
It’s important to note that there will be days when you don’t have as many wins as others. Some days, you will simply have less energy. Listen to your body. Your energy level is your body’s way of telling you it needs rest and recovery. When that happens, let it. Avoid guilt or shame when you’re responding to your body’s request for care.
2. Each Morning, Greet Yourself as a Loving Parent Would (Mirror Talk)
Mirror talk is the simple act of talking to yourself positively while looking in the mirror. I learned this from Louise Hay and later noticed other famous people share that they do this also.
For example, when I get up and go to the bathroom shortly after getting up, I look myself in the mirror and say, slowly and sincerely, “I absolutely love and accept you, *Davide.” (You’d say, “I absolutely love and accept you, ______[your childhood name].”)
NOTE: *Davide was my childhood name. To really connect to your younger self, you may also wish to use the name you were called when you were a child.
This kind of self-talk offers deep, in your bones acceptance and love. It says:
- You are loved for who you are, not what you do or what the world wants you to be.
- You do not need to earn love; you are already worthy of love.
- You are safe right now; there is no real or immediate threat of physical violence. [If there is, get help and get out of the situation.]
When practiced consistently, mirror talk begins to feel real in your bones, in your nervous system. It will feel real.
3. Throughout the Day, Speak Supportively to and Hug Your Younger Self
Throughout the day, I’ll pull out a picture of my younger self (around 7 years old) that I’ve saved as a screen lock on my phone and speak directly to that picture. I look at him. I slow down. And I say:
- I love you.
- I’m here for you.
- You are beautiful, inside and out.
In my minds eye, I’ll also hug or put my arm around my younger self, while speaking to him.
These words and hugs land in places logic cannot reach.
What Will Healing the Inner Child Feel Like?
As I nurture my inner child, I feel like I no longer seek validation from others as much. A kind word still feels good. Encouragement still matters. But it no longer feels like approval and acceptance from others is something I need.
It also feels like connecting with others is something I enjoy, rather than something I hope for or depend on as a recovering people-pleaser. Relationships feel lighter, more mutual, and more real.
Reflective question:
Where in your life are you still asking others to give you reassurance that you could begin offering yourself?
The Science: Why Inner Child Work Shapes Adult Identity
In simple terms, who you are today was shaped by what you experienced in infancy and childhood, especially how safe, seen, and supported you felt.
Psychiatrist John Bowlby showed that children form deep emotional expectations about themselves and the world based on their early relationships. In his work Attachment and Loss, he explained that these early experiences quietly become an internal working model that continues into adulthood, what many people now refer to as the inner child.
Psychologist Jeffrey Young, author of Reinventing Your Life, later showed how unmet emotional needs in childhood can turn into lifelong patterns, such as feeling “not good enough,” seeking constant approval, or being overly hard on yourself.
The important takeaway is this: these often dysfunctional behaviors are learned and conditioned responses. They are not character flaws.
When we practice inner child work by noticing effort, speaking to ourselves kindly, and staying present with ourselves instead of abandoning ourselves, we teach the nervous system something new. We show it that support is available now, even if it wasn’t always available then.
Gradually, slowly, and gently, we begin to unlearn behaviors that no longer serve us.
That is how identity begins to shift.
Not through forcing change, but through consistent care.
Coming Home to Yourself
The good news is that healing the inner child does not require reliving the past or revisiting every painful moment. It is simply about teaching you and your nervous system that you can:
- be there for yourself, as a loving parent would be for their child
- become the adult who notices effort and offers reassurance
- stay when things feel tender or incomplete
Through win stacking, mirror talk, and speaking directly to the younger version of yourself, you and your inner child learn on a deep level that you are enough, that you are loved, that you are beautiful, inside and out.
Once you and your inner child learn that, you naturally stop trying to prove your worth to others, because you know your worth. You’ve come back home to the worthy person you’ve always been.
And from that place, you are more grounded, more available, and more able to offer the same steadiness to others.
How do you care for yourself when your buttons are pushed or something feels off?
If you’ve spent years trying to prove your worth, earn approval, or quiet a sense of not being enough, you’re not alone. Many of us learned how to survive long before we learned how to stay with ourselves. Inner child work is not about fixing what’s broken. It’s about remembering what was always true and offering yourself the compassion, protection, and steadiness that may have been missing.
You don’t have to do this all at once. You can begin simply, through small, intentional practices that help you stay present and grounded. Over time, trust grows and safety returns.
If something in this article resonated, I’d love to hear from you. Feel free to share a reflection in the comments. The next time your buttons are pushed, you might pause and ask whether what you’re feeling is connected to something you experienced as a child. And when something feels off, try speaking supportively to a photo of your younger self and notice how your body settles.
Sincerely,
Dave Williams
Sacramento, California
January 14, 2026
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