Humility is not thinking less of yourself, but thinking of yourself less.
C.S. Lewis, Author and Philosopher
Community wisdom
For this series of articles on Confidence, I was curious to learn from others, so I reached out to researcher and best-selling author Vanessa Van Edwards‘ Science of People community and asked, “What strategies and practices have most helped you build authentic confidence while staying warm and grounded?”
This is what Vanessa Van Edwards shared:
One of mine I do right before going on stage is reminding myself of how relieved I felt and excited when I learned these skills and I want to gift that feeling to the audience. It pulls me outward, gets me less focused on myself and more focused on others.
This insight captures something essential about real confidence. It’s about tapping into the real feelings of relief and excitement that comes from learning … and giving.
How did you feel when you first received that gift of knowledge? Can you imagine how your audience might feel receiving it too?
The Confidence Killer: Focusing on what others will think.
One of the fastest ways we weaken confidence is when we shift our attention from others to ourselves. Instead of focusing on the people we’re with and the information we’re sharing, our attention turns inward:
- How do I sound?
- How am I coming across?
- Am I saying this well enough?
That shift in attention often activates the inner critic, which:
- quietly drains our energy
- makes us tense and anxious, wondering if we’re good enough
- distracts our attention away from connecting with and serving others
Even though we’re often taught that paying close attention to ourselves is being careful, it can actually get in the way of feeling confident.
The Confidence-Saver: Remembering the Gift You’re Giving
Vanessa’s practice offers a gentle and powerful alternative.
When we shift our focus from ourselves to others — friends or family, clients or colleagues, students or an audience — our nervous system receives a different signal. The moment becomes less about evaluation and more about contribution.
We remember the gift we’re giving. We feel a sense of purpose and even excitement. And because of that, the confidence that shows up is real and authentic.
Why This Works
This shift reduces the How-Do-I-Appear-and-Sound? mindset and gently reorients us toward service, where feelings of joy, ease, and connection are more accessible.
When our attention stays locked on ourselves, the brain remains in evaluation mode. That state fuels self-judgment and often creates physical tension. When our attention moves toward contribution, something shifts. The body softens. The mind steadies. Connection becomes possible.
This isn’t about ignoring or diminishing yourself. It’s about remembering that confidence grows more reliably when it’s anchored in purpose rather than performance.
Go ahead. Try it!
Before your next conversation, meeting, presentation, or meaningful interaction, try asking yourself one simple question:
What feeling, insight, or reassurance do I want to gift here?
Let that guide your attention. It helps loosen the grip of self-judgment and creates enough emotional safety for confidence to enter. In addition, it doesn’t demand boldness, charisma, or “perfection,” which doesn’t exist.
Reflective question:
When you worry about how you’re coming across, what would change if you asked, “How can I be helpful right now?”
The Science: Why Serving Others and Shifting Attention Reduces Anxiety
Real confidence grows when we stop trying to prove ourselves and start allowing ourselves to contribute.
Psychological research consistently shows that acts of service are linked to greater well-being, including higher life satisfaction, more positive emotion, and a stronger sense of self-worth. One well-known paper, “Volunteer Work and Well-Being” by Peggy Thoits and Lyndi Hewitt at the University of Wisconsin–Madison, published in the Journal of Health and Social Behavior, found that people who engaged in helping behaviors experienced better psychological well-being over time. These effects were not tied to praise or recognition, but to the experience of contributing itself. When people feel useful and connected, they tend to feel more stable and grounded internally — conditions that support confidence.
Research on performance anxiety and public speaking points to a related mechanism. Studies on social anxiety and attention, including work associated with the University of Oxford, show that excessive self-focused attention increases anxiety, while shifting attention outward reduces it. The influential paper “A Cognitive Model of Social Phobia” by David Clark and Adrian Wells describes how self-monitoring (“How am I coming across?”) intensifies anxiety, while redirecting attention toward the task or audience helps calm the nervous system. For speakers, this means focusing on clarity, usefulness, and service — rather than self-evaluation — can reduce stage fright and support more natural confidence.
Together, this research helps explain why remembering the value of what we’re offering and focusing on serving others works so well. When attention moves away from self-monitoring and toward contribution, both well-being and confidence are more likely to emerge naturally.
Returning to Contribution
The good news is that building real confidence does not require forcing yourself to be fearless or perfectly polished. It doesn’t require silencing nerves or eliminating self-doubt. It’s about gently teaching your attention and your nervous system that you can:
- shift your focus from self-monitoring to service
- remember the value of what you’re offering
- stay present with others instead of evaluating yourself
When you remember the relief and excitement you once felt when you learned something meaningful — and choose to offer that same gift to others — your focus naturally leans away from self-consciousness and toward excited contribution. It’s like harnessing the energy you feel when you’re giving someone a gift and can’t wait for them to open it.
As this becomes familiar, you naturally spend less energy worrying about how you’re coming across, because your attention has a more meaningful place to rest.
And from that place — oriented toward contribution rather than self-judgment — you are more grounded, more connected, and more able to show up with warmth, clarity, and ease.
Real confidence grows when we stop trying to prove ourselves and start allowing ourselves to contribute.
Can you remember how you felt when you learned the idea you’re sharing?
If you worry about how you come across or try to manage how others see you, you’re not alone. Many of us do this.
I’m deeply grateful to Vanessa Van Edwards for her insightful and generous tip. Her reminder to focus on the gift we’re giving captures the heart of real confidence.
If something in this article resonated, I’d love to hear from you. Feel free to share a reflection in the comments. And the next time self-consciousness shows up, you might gently ask, “How can I be helpful right now?” and notice what shifts.
Sincerely,
Dave Williams
Sacramento, California
January 25, 2026
About the “Building Real Confidence” Series
We see someone who speaks in a calm, reassuring way. Their back is straight and their shoulders are relaxed and down. They maintain, friendly eye contact. They listen actively without interrupting and remain open to new ideas without compromising their core values. When we see someone like that, we often say they are confident. That’s the topic of this series of articles: Authentic (real) Confidence vs Performative (false) Confidence. There is a difference, and it matters. Here’s a simple way to see it:
- Authentic confidence is about who we are, whether anyone is looking or not. Whether a camera is on them or. not, they behave the same. It is experienced as quiet rather than loud. It’s rooted in accepting ourselves as we are, instead of adjusting who we are to fit in. Authentic confidence is humble, kind, calm, grounded, and may even appear unpolished to the judgmental eye, even vulnerable. At the end of the day, they walk the walk. Their words and behavior match.
- Performative confidence is about how we appear to others, our boss, family, our peers, etc. It’s outwardly polished and managed, quietly driven by a fear of being misunderstood or disliked, and by a desire to feel important or significant in the eyes of others. One may look, act, and sound confident and nice; they may even feign modesty from time to time. At the end of the day, they do not walk the walk; their words do not match their behavior.
For Example
Performative confidence asks:
How do I look? How am I being received?
Authentic confidence asks:
Am I aligned? Am I present? Am I being real?
One requires constant management; the other allows us to rest.
Assumptions
As you read this series of articles, it may help to name a few quiet assumptions behind the content.
- Being truly honest with ourselves matters more than pretending to be what others want us to be.
Real confidence grows when we stay anchored in who we know we are, rather than managing and living up to who what others want us to be. - How you talk to yourself matters.
Confidence grows when our inner voice speaks to us as a wise, trusted friend would, rather than as a critic with own limiting beliefs would. - Perfection doesn’t exist.
There is no version of anyone that is perfect, that never makes mistakes. We will fail and make mistakes that teach us and make us stronger. - Growth is possible without force.
A growth mindset doesn’t mean pushing harder. It means being persistent and being willing to learn and adjust. - Spirituality or faith in a higher power matters.
Confidence grows from trusting that we are created by something greater than ourselves who values and loves us; this source of love and strength lives within us.
These assumptions quietly run counter to:
- Self-improvement culture that equates worth with outward looks, income, title, etc.
- “Outside shine” or looking perfect and confident on the outside while disconnecting from yourself on the inside.
- The false belief that we have to earn our worthiness.
The Integrated Mind-Heart-Body Approach to Confidence
In this series of articles, I approach building confidence at three levels:
- In the mind: Reprogram the mind by releasing limiting beliefs and adopting a growth mindset that reminds us that we are works in progress, not limited to our abilities and circumstances today.
- In the heart: Develop emotional mastery by cultivating self-compassion, emotional awareness, and joy, learning to feel and regulate emotions without judgment, avoidance, or self-attack.
- In the body: Integrate mind and heart through breath, movement, and nervous system regulation, so confidence is not something we think or tell ourselves, but something we experience as steadiness and presence.
When these three are aligned, confidence becomes something we fully experience — calm, grounded, and real.
Last, but not least, this strategic approach to confidence includes:
Community wisdom
In addition to my own experience and research, I was curious to learn from others, so I reached out to researcher and best-selling author Vanessa Van Edwards‘ Science of People community and asked, “What strategies and practices have most helped you build authentic confidence while staying warm and grounded?” What came back were 6 thoughtful, authoritative, doable tips backed by research and written up in this series.
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